Well, I said it and there is no going back. I knew this was going to happen but at this moment healthcare is not my life and I like only going to work three days a week. I am also hoping I can end up in a specialty I enjoy…

The thoughts in this post do not reflect or represent the entirety of nursing. These thoughts are simply shared as a way to document my journey in nursing.

I hate being a nurse and it’s starting to show. You’re treated like crap. Patients talk to you any kind of way. I don’t feel like I’m using my brain at all. Many times I go to work I am reminded that you don’t have to think to be a nurse in some cases you just follow orders mindlessly. I mean seriously, why do I need an order to check a blood sugar? That’s ridiculous.

I feel bored (probably because of COVID) and I don’t feel like I am helping anyone. I am not an ushy-gushy personality and honestly I don’t really feel sorry for anyone. I came to another realization the other day while talking with one of the techs who is on track for PA school. I enjoy physiology more than anything that was my jam in school. Just haven’t really been able to use it… I feel stiffled.

I am tired of patients and their visitor treating me like crap because I am petite. I actually have been told to my face that they don’t think I know what I’m doing because I look young. (Jokes on me because I “just” turned 21 but anyway…) I am tired of feeling humiliated. I feel like I have not learned anything in the past fifteen weeks.

I am also tired of the techs and secretaries at work trying to orient me. No offense I appreciate CNAs and all but I’m going to kindly ask you to leave me alone. If you see I am irritated do not try and talk to me. If my preceptor is speaking don’t butt in and for heaven’s sake don’t think you can kick around a new grad. I have worked in this hospital in many roles for a while, I may be dumb but I’m not ignorant… I’m fed up. Nothing works it takes 2 hours to get a temp on a patient because we have no thermometers, we have no travel monitors and our supplies are never restocked.

I am ashamed to be a nurse… I feel no pride to tell people what I do for a living and I honestly try to hide it. This isn’t a new feeling for me though I felt the same way as a nursing student. Always tried to hide it because I felt embarrassed to be part of a false profession. I’m happier away from work than at work. My family doesn’t understand and they call me ungrateful which doesn’t help my mental health at all. I don’t burden them with my work stuff, but they sense my unhappiness and tell me I should be grateful I have a job and blah blah blah. Honestly I was happier as a broke college student working at a nonprofit…

My hope is one day I can make this nursing thing work FOR ME. One day I want to work with a patient population I enjoy. Sadly I’ll have to wait until 2022 to be able to pick up a PRN position elsewhere. Working in the Adult ED is a mere necessity in the hopes I can take this experience elsewhere. I can’t wait. I hate when patients ask me if I enjoy the job I just reply “I can’t complain right now”. I mean how unprofessional would it be to say No, I hate it here and I’m only starting my two year contract (more like two year sentence).

Since day one I literally imagine the day I leave this place. Not to mention I received official notice that I will be swinging BACK to day shift until next year. I have talked to multiple people about staying on nights for the past month because my mental health SUCKS on day shift and it is being completely disregarded. I prefer working at nights because I don’t feel like my life is being consumed. Not to mention I can’t sleep before day shifts becasue I feel so sick to my stomach. I HATE MY JOB. This job takes me back to a dark time and I am not a fan.

Although there are aspects of nursing I enjoy, I can’t help but feel that I’m meant to do something “more”. I just can’t put my finger on it. I’ve thought about some ideas but it scares me… I am overall discouraged.